Thank You Notes and stuff...

 I'm just going to start by letting you all know that I am a terrible person when it comes to Thank You notes.  I hate to write them because, even though I enjoy writing in general, there's just something about a Thank You note to specific people that ratchets up my anxiety and gets me all awkward and my mind goes blank and it's like I've instantly forgotten how to put words together. 

Long story short, I avoid feeling like this by simply not writing them. 

In my defense I am also a person who does not expect a Thank You note when I give a gift and never think twice about it if I don't receive one. I realize I may be in the minority here and that in polite society, Thank You notes are the norm and should be done. 

I'm still not writing them. 

That said, this post is going to serve as a Toodles update as well as a sort of Thank You note in blog form.  A twofer so to speak.  Here we go...

My last blog post was about Tessie graduating and all the feels that went with that momentous occasion and I'm here to tell you, it was an awesome day. I had no sadness, no what should have beens, just happiness and pride. A large part of why I was in a good place emotionally/mentally was thanks to my therapist but also to my Yaya and her husband, and to Sheila (our beloved SheShe) and her partner Jim, who made a special trip out to the island to attend graduation with us. Having them here was like having my own personal security blankets in human form. They just make my life better. Full stop. 

I have to begin by saying that Tess was so good during the graduation ceremony, which was a concern based on her behavior the day before during the practice for it.  At practice Tess got bored and basically didn't want to be there when she could be home watching her movie and she let me, and everyone else within earshot know. She got vocal. And loud with those vocals.  Ellie was there with us since she was going to push Tess in and out of the auditorium and up on stage when it was time to get her diploma and even she was like, "Tessie, you need to quiet down."  But Ellie wasn't being super serious with Tessie and Tess, who can read Ellie like a book, could tell that Ellie thought it was a little bit funny, especially since I was becoming stressed over it, and so proceeded to get even louder. 

When we left practice I ended up lecturing both Ellie and Tessie about it not being funny and that they both had to take it seriously and that Ellie needed to have a real talk with Tess about respect for her classmates, etc etc. So Ellie had a talk with Tessie (because if Superlove is saying it then Tessie will listen and generally obey) and really reinforced that it was EVERYONE'S special day and that they had ALL worked hard to get there and it was not her turn to "talk". Then we pulled out the big guns and told her that her cousin had worked very hard to become the Valedictorian and that it would be super disrespectful to Drey if Tess was loud and "talking" during Drey's speech. That sealed the deal. Tess adores Drey and wouldn't want to do anything that might make Drey mad or sad. We told Tess she could even fall asleep if she wanted to during the parts she didn't want to listen to but she COULD NOT BE LOUD. 

She took us at our word and did nap during most of the ceremony but what made me so proud of her that day (among a million other things) was that she woke up when she heard Drey begin her speech and stayed awake for it. She slept again for a bit but woke up for the slide show and was awake (thankfully because I wasn't sure if she would be) to get her diploma. We all commented on how well she behaved and made sure she knew how proud we were of her.  And at our school, the Seniors give their stole to a person who has cared for them, loved them, pushed them, and just generally helped to get them to graduation. After much deliberation back and forth (using her talker) trying to decide between Ellie, me, and Sheila, with both Ellie and I assuring Tess that our feelings wouldn't be hurt if she wanted Sheila to have, she ultimately did choose Shiela. Although at one point Bobby was also in the running which cracks me up.  At any rate, it was a very special moment when Tess, with Ellie's help, wrapped the stole over Sheila's shoulders. 

Sheila getting her stole 

The Graduate!

Cousins!

We all came to my house for a little, mostly family, gathering to celebrate Drey and Tessie and then got ready for the Grand March. Both girls looked stunning and it's one of my favorite island traditions. Blake stepped in to help push Tess and Tess and Drey got to be side by side with their dads for part of the march. Perfect. (Thank you to Autumn for giving Tess your second place in the lineup in order to make that happen) Then Tess and Charlie did the Father/daughter dance and next was the sweetheart dance. For this dance Tess and Drey chose to do it together with their sisters/cousins. So. Sweet.

Grand March walking to meet Tessie

Proud Parents! 

Grand March (Blake pushing Tessie)

Father/daughter dance

Sweetheart dance

All in all, it was a great day though I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy to have it behind me.

I did have Senior pics made up of Tessie as well as graduation announcements thaaaaaattt I never mailed out to anyone. I gave a few to family members and addressed the rest to go out and just...never sent them. I'm not sure why but I have no doubt it will make for great fodder for my therapist. ;) lol

Even without me sending announcements, Tess received quite a few cards and a fair amount of money from friends and family. Though it's likely not the polite way to say thank you, in blog form,  it is in no way less sincere. Each card/gift for her was so so appreciated and I really do THANK YOU if you're reading this and were one of the people who sent one to her. You all know who you are but I am going to name two in particular:

First, Ali, who not only worked on/altered Tess's grand march dress for free (with limited time no less) so it would fit her properly, but then gave Tess money as well. Ali, the dress was more than enough and you were the reason she had one to wear so THANK YOU.

Second, Liz, who mailed a very sweet note with personalized bracelets-one for Tess with the saying that I always use for her, "though she be but little, she is fierce" engraved on the inside and one for me that had something a little....different...engraved on the inside of it. In her note to me Liz was a little worried that what was engraved on mine might be a little too crass for my taste. Well, Liz, fear not. You nailed it.  I love it and have been wearing it constantly. THANK YOU.

So this is my update and thank you's all in one. And I'm going to leave you with a quote that I love and that may, or may not,  happen to be on that bracelet I was given:

"A wise woman once said 'Fuck this shit' and she lived happily ever after."

Amen. ;)

Grand March photo credits to Ashley Weller at Island Boy Mom Photography :) 

Tess is graduating....

This post is going to be a little bit tricky for me. I aim to be honest but sometimes I do worry, like many do, what people will think when I am honest. I encourage anyone who may find themselves thinking something along the lines of, "She should be grateful!",  to allow me grace and to know without a shadow of a doubt, that no one is more grateful than I am that Tess had made it to this milestone. That milestone?

Graduation. From High School. 

WHAT?!?! How is it possible that she is already a Senior and gearing up to graduate??? 

We are so so proud of her and happy for her and excited for her.  Trust me when I tell you that no one has worked harder to reach this moment in their lives than our Tessie Toodles. She has literally fought off death on multiple occasions and won. She has moved from her home for her education and, even though homesick and I'm sure nervous at first, she rolled through the doors of that new school and quickly showed them what she is made of and what she could do. She has had to prove herself time and time and time again to people who underestimated her; from teachers to therapists to doctors to, yes, even her own parents early on (that said, she has also had teachers and therapists who knew she was capable and smart and would expect that from her). Tess has constantly showed up to a life that has been trying to knock her back down only to Rocky up and prove to life that she is the Champ and will do it on her terms thankyouverymuch. 

So why is this a tricky post to write, you may be wondering?

Well, even though all of the above is true and we are excited and proud and happy for her to be graduating, we are also dealing with feelings of sadness and even loss. 

I have been seeing a therapist since we came very close to losing Tessie in the Spring of 2019 and she assures me that these feelings are totally normal because we are dealing with something call Ambiguous Loss which is when you have the feelings of grief and loss even though the person is still very much alive. Here is a link for anyone interested that gets into much more detail about Ambiguous Loss: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambiguous_loss

We're mourning the things WE'RE missing out on. The relationship she would have had with her cousin who is also graduating this year, the fact that she will never leave home to go make a life of her own, even just the normal the pomp and circumstance that goes along with graduating. Every little detail has to be taken into consideration and thought about and prepared for. Will she have a seizure during something like graduation or the grand march? Should she be on stage the whole time or taken up to get her diploma? Who will push her wheelchair to march her in? And the grand march? A whole other planning session. And yes, it makes me sad. And yes, I'm managing that sadness and feelings of loss with tips and tricks from my therapist. And the one thing that she told me that has helped the most?  To remember that two things can be true at the same time. I can be so sad and angry that this is not how it's supposed to be while also being so excited and grateful that Tess has reached this milestone. One does not negate the other. Allow room for both. It doesn't mean I love Tess less or am less proud of her to feel sad that her graduation will look and feel different than her sisters did.

And when I see the other moms on social media talking with excitement and a bit of sadness at their baby leaving the nest... that's a very lonely feeling. My baby will never leave. She has no future plans other than to be happy and hopefully healthy for as long as possible.  I can't join in and relate to them on any level like I did when Blake and Ellie graduated. When her classmates parents were filling out scholarship forms and college applications with their kids, I was contacting a lawyer to make sure we had legal guardianship and conservatorship over Tess so we can keep her protected. It's just such a bazaar place to be in because it's not supposed to be this way. 

It's a tough road to be on but it's not a bad road. And when Blake was doing school with Tessie yesterday, they were waiting to start speech therapy and Blake was using the talker to talk to Tess about graduation and how exciting it is and what will happen that day and then she asked Tess: 

"How do you feel about graduating?".  

Tess replied, "I feel proud of me."

I feel proud of me. Those five words were exactly the perspective I needed to have. Hers. She's not missing out. She's not sad. She's proud of herself. 

How much more could we ask for?