I've written posts before that I thought were the hardest words I'd ever typed; until now...
Tess Joanne Reidy, my incredible, brave, strong, smart, sassy, funny, warrior girl died a month ago today on November 9th at exactly 8 a.m.
Even today, seeing the words 'Tess' and 'died' in the same sentence is like a shot to the gut. How can it be true? How can I be the mother of three girls, one of whom is no longer with us? I hate everything about it and yet I wouldn't wish her back. That would be the ultimate act of selfishness because my girl was ready to move on to her next adventure. She was so tired and ready to be out of pain, done with all the medications, the seizures, the breathing treatments, the wheelchair, the scary respiratory infections, and everything else that Rett Syndrome forced her to endure for as long as she did. She was ready. I know she was. She was just waiting for her dad and I to be okay with it, and once she heard us both say we would be okay, she left us.
It probably goes without saying that we are devastated and just so, so sad. We miss her more than words could ever express. This girl who never talked, has left such a deafening silence in our home and our lives. Her spirit was so big that the house feels empty without her.
The night before she died, my immediate family all came over to see her and tell her goodbye as we all knew that she was near the end. Ellie laid in bed with her that night for a few hours, telling her all the things she needed to, then Charlie did for a few hours, and around 2:00am I crawled into bed with her and stayed there until she died, telling her almost constantly how proud I was of her, how much I loved her, and how grateful I was to be her mama. Around 6:30am I had Charlie wake Ellie up and I texted Blake to tell her it was getting close and if she wanted to be here when Tessie passed, to come. I was laying facing Tess and holding her hand, Ellie was on the other side with her arm wrapped around her, Blake sat up by her head with a hand on her, and Charlie was holding her legs/feet. Tessie quite literally died in her family's arms as we played her favorite songs and sang to her.
Just before Tess took her last breath she opened her eyes and looked at us. Then she gently closed them and was gone. And because Tessie is, well, Tessie, even at the end, as she took that last breath the song Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot came on and we all laughed. In her final moment, Tessie made us laugh.
What a kid.
God, I miss her.
It's amazing how a broken heart can keep beating. But, we promised her it was okay to go because we would all be okay and take care of each other. And that's what we're doing. Sometimes it feels like we're trying to walk though quicksand but we're getting up, getting dressed, and being okay. We're keeping our promise. And we're remaining so grateful we had her for as long as we did.
So this is the end of Travels with Tessie Toodles. Thank you all who have kept up with us through the many years that I wrote here. I'll leave you the same way Tess left us, with Sir-Mix-A-Lot singing about Baby Got Back. I hope it makes you laugh too, or least leaves you with a smile as you remember our Warrior Girl, Tessie Toodles.
