Travels With Tessie Toodles-the Finale

 I've written posts before that I thought were the hardest words I'd ever typed; until now... 

Tess Joanne Reidy, my incredible, brave, strong, smart, sassy, funny, warrior girl died a month ago today on November 9th at exactly 8 a.m.

Even today, seeing the words 'Tess' and 'died' in the same sentence is like a shot to the gut. How can it be true? How can I be the mother of three girls, one of whom is no longer with us? I hate everything about it and yet I wouldn't wish her back. That would be the ultimate act of selfishness because my girl was ready to move on to her next adventure. She was so tired and ready to be out of pain, done with all the medications, the seizures, the breathing treatments, the wheelchair, the scary respiratory infections, and everything else that Rett Syndrome forced her to endure for as long as she did. She was ready. I know she was. She was just waiting for her dad and I to be okay with it, and once she heard us both say we would be okay, she left us.

It probably goes without saying that we are devastated and just so, so sad. We miss her more than words could ever express. This girl who never talked, has left such a deafening silence in our home and our lives. Her spirit was so big that the house feels empty without her. 

The night before she died, my immediate family all came over to see her and tell her goodbye as we all knew that she was near the end. Ellie laid in bed with her that night for a few hours, telling her all the things she needed to, then Charlie did for a few hours, and around 2:00am I crawled into bed with her and stayed there until she died, telling her almost constantly how proud I was of her, how much I loved her, and how grateful I was to be her mama. Around 6:30am I had Charlie wake Ellie up and I texted Blake to tell her it was getting close and if she wanted to be here when Tessie passed, to come. I was laying facing Tess and holding her hand, Ellie was on the other side with her arm wrapped around her, Blake sat up by her head with a hand on her, and Charlie was holding her legs/feet. Tessie quite literally died in her family's arms as we played her favorite songs and sang to her.  

Just before Tess took her last breath she opened her eyes and looked at us. Then she gently closed them and was gone. And because Tessie is, well, Tessie, even at the end, as she took that last breath the song Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-A-Lot came on and we all laughed. In her final moment, Tessie made us laugh. 

What a kid. 

God, I miss her.

It's amazing how a broken heart can keep beating. But, we promised her it was okay to go because we would all be okay and take care of each other. And that's what we're doing. Sometimes it feels like we're trying to walk though quicksand but we're getting up, getting dressed, and being okay. We're keeping our promise. And we're remaining so grateful we had her for as long as we did. 

So this is the end of Travels with Tessie Toodles. Thank you all who have kept up with us through the many years that I wrote here. I'll leave you the same way Tess left us, with Sir-Mix-A-Lot singing about Baby Got Back. I hope it makes you laugh too, or least leaves you with a smile as you remember our Warrior Girl, Tessie Toodles. 

Let's Hear It For The Nurses...

 Apparently the only thing that can get me writing in my blog again is to celebrate Nurses Week! Or more specifically, two nurses in particular...

Sheila and Lindsay.

Of course our beloved She-She (Sheila) has appeared many times off and on throughout this little blog. How could she not? She literally walked into our lives in the summer of 2008 just to provide a one time visit to check on Tess and the rest is history. We absolutely refused to let her go. One time visit? I do not think so, ma'm.  We are like the Bermuda Triangle. We suck you in and you never can get back out. 

Sheila is family now and that's the end of it. She has held my hand, given me hugs, cried with me, argued with me, and basically made my life so, so much better by being in it. She's like my big sister.  And that doesn't even begin to talk about how much she's given to, and done for, Tessie. It is not an exaggeration for me to say that a good part of the reason that Tess is still with us today is because she's had Sheila in her life caring and advocating for her. That is why Tess gave Sheila her graduation stole as a way to thank her.

Ever since I've known Sheila she has worked in a hospital along with taking time to come care for Tess in our home (off and on throughout the years). She was the absolute BEST emergency department nurse in Rockport for many, many years before moving to Southern Maine where, I have no doubt, she is the best nurse in her department at their hospital. 

Sheila can be literally out of the country, and if I need her, I can reach out to her. She's never not going to call me back if she sees I've tried to reach out to her. She is my go to for any medical question about Tessie. I trust her, rely on her, and just have peace knowing, even if she isn't right next to Tess, she's just a phone call away. And if the shit should really hit the fan, she would be doing whatever was necessary to get herself to Tess. And Sheila is who I want whenever anything scary is happening with Tess. 

There is not one single family milestone event that I can think of that Sheila hasn't made it a priority to either be at, or keep Tess with her for when Tess couldn't come with us. From Blake, Ellie's and of course, Tessie's high school graduations, to Blake and Ellie's college graduations, to keeping Tess (with help from  Lindsay) while we traveled to Punta Cana for Blake and Bobby's wedding, to Ellie's med school Match Day celebration and then Med School graduation, Sheila is there to help and to celebrate with us. She is even making plans to be available in December and travel to New Hampshire so she can help (and also celebrate with us) with Tess when Ellie gets married. That's just who Sheila is. She knows that by her being there, I will be able to be fully present for my other daughters and get to just enjoy those moments knowing she is there if Tess runs into any trouble health-wise. It's such a gift. 

There are too many, and at the same time, not enough words to describe Sheila and what a blessing she is and has been to our family. To any and ALL of her patients. Sheila loves with her whole heart and treats her patients like she would want anyone she loves to be treated. She is loud, fun, sensitive, kind, compassionate, smart, and above all, she cares about people. Sheila is a nurse. And I am so thankful for her. 

Now let's chat a bit about Lindsay, aka Jan. Lindsay came into our lives when we moved to Scarborough so that Tess could attend the Morrison Center. Lindsay was the school nurse there. Then she met us. And Tess. And what can I say, that Reidy Bermuda Triangle thing is real and it's strong. She knew we needed a home health nurse and we knew we needed her. Again, the rest is history. She quit as the school nurse and we sucked her in as Tess's full time home health nurse with Sheila picking up the other hours that were available every week. 

I could not believe my luck! These two women were a freakin' force of nature and to know that Tess was being loved and taken care of by them was such a stress reliever. 

Lindsay and I hit it off pretty much right out of the gate. We were basically each others yin and yang. Lindsay is a softie and has a huge heart. She absolutely loved Tessie and treated her more as an equal than as her patient. I don't mean in the care she gave. Lindsay is an amazing nurse. I mean that she never doubted that Tess is smart with her own thoughts and opinions and treated her in that way. She would get such a kick out of Tess's eye rolls and sassy attitude. 

Lindsay would go along with my crazy ideas for theme weeks or Halloween and even help make those ideas come to life. The woman literally made Tess's wheelchair into the Iron Throne for crying out loud and came dressed as Tessie's secret service when Tess was the president one Halloween. They would watch Tess's movies together, sing Tess's favorite songs together, and just generally love each other. It's safe to say that Lindsay was Tess's bff. 

I relied on Lindsay for her opinion all the time where Tess was concerned. Does she look pale? Do you think she's getting sick? Is that a seizure? Is she still seizing? Do we need to call the doctor? She was sometimes met in the morning not with a "hi!" but with a "I'm in Tess's room! She's sick!" Which was code for...hustle your buns up here so I can be less afraid. 

I managed to talk Lindsay into playing games with me when she had free time. This is when I started calling her "Jan". As in, "Sure, Jan",  which is what Marcia Brady always said to Jan Brady in a very condescending tone. That would be my tone when I said it to Lindsay when she pretended to not care if she was losing. 

We will not be discussing my attitude IF I might have lost a game.

Having Lindsay come nearly every day when I lived in Scarborough made, what could have been a very lonely time for me, fun. When Lindsay got married you better believe Tess, Charlie and I were there with bells on to celebrate with her friends and family. And you can also trust and believe that Lindsay made sure the dj played one of Tessie's favorite songs and pulled her onto the floor for a dance. 

If Sheila is like an older (though barely) sister, then Lindsay is like a younger one. And like Sheila, there are not enough, and at the same time too many, words to describe all the amazing things about Lindsay. She's fun, she's kind, she's smart, she's tough, she pretends she doesn't care about losing games but she really does, she's an artist, and she has a huge heart for people. 

 

Moving Tess back home when covid hit was heartbreaking for many reasons, but the biggest was the loss of Lindsay and Sheila in her everyday life. And mine. Tess and I miss them both terribly. 

So it's National Nurses Week and, while we haven't had any nursing care for Tess since we moved back home from Scarborough, I know both of these women would be here in a minute if I called them and said I needed them. Because that's just who they are.  They're nurses. They're friends. They're family.

They're Sheila and Lindsay. And we love and appreciate them.

PS While this is primarily a post about two specific nurses, we have had the privilege of having so many excellent nurses care for Tess and we are grateful to all nurses everywhere. We see you! We appreciate you! 

Made With Love...

 I haven't written anything for quite a stretch once again. And if I'm being really honest, I know why.

What I'm about to write is going to be the hardest bit of truth telling I've probably ever done. For many reasons. And my fear is (I actually have many fears but this is one of them), that if I don't write this, I will never write anything again. Getting this out, I hope, will feel a bit like unclogging a stopped up drain. Once I get rid of the icky gunk running in circles inside my own head, I'll be free to write about other things once again. 

Let's hope my theory is  correct. With that said, here goes nothing:

Nearly two years ago Tess started acting like she wasn't as engaged in the world as she used to be. She didn't react to her people in the same way she always had and she didn't seem super "with it" some of the time. Blake, who was her at-home teacher last year, said to me on a couple different occasions, "Mom, I don't think Tess knows the things she used to know.", to which I would promptly reply with, "It's because you're her sister and she's just being a diva for you!". This was also my excuse for Tess not interacting with people as much; I would say things like, "Oh, she's just mad at you because she hasn't seen you in a while.", or, "She's just mad she's not getting her movie right now.", excuses along those lines. 

Then, one day something hit me and I began to really watch Tess and her interactions. And I began to think back on the ones I'd been making excuses for, and the one that I could not longer ignore was watching her lack of excitement when Ellie, her Superlove, was with her. What I noticed was that it took an awful lot of time and work on Ellie's part to get even a small smile or giggle from Tessie when, all of her life, it would only take seconds. When this hit home for me I called Ellie and asked her if she had noticed anything "off" with Tess. Her response was immediate and everything that I had been trying to ignore for a long time. She said, "Mom, I noticed it over a year ago and have already cried my tears over what's going on with Tessie now." I asked her why she hadn't said anything to me even though she'd heard all of my pitiful excuses over the past year and she said, "Because I think this is a progression of Tess's Rett Syndrome and there's nothing we can do about it so why burden you with something you clearly didn't want to see and couldn't do anything about anyway?". 

God love our kids and their love for us,  am I right?

Long story short, Tess has had some pretty significant cognitive decline over the past couple of years. She seems disengaged a lot and even scared at times. She can no longer use her eye gaze device without getting very frustrated and even simple choice questions can be hard for her now, though we still always offer her choices when appropriate and will only make a decision for her when it becomes obvious she cannot. Even her giggles are few these days and when we get them, it's almost like they're coming from someplace distant. I would describe it as though there's almost a veil between Tess and the world. She's there, but not all the way. 

Once I finally admitted to myself what was happening with her and had a long talk with Charlie about it and confirmed that he also had been noticing it, I scheduled an appointment with her neurologist and Ellie joined us for it. Her neurologist confirmed that she also suspected that is was a progression of her Rett Syndrome and that it would continue like this until Tess either simply was "gone" all the time mentally, or passed away. She likened it to an older person with dementia. That it would most likely progress somewhat like that. 

I was beyond heartbroken and furious for Tess.  After everything this kid has been through and overcome only to have to slowly lose herself and all of the skills she has fought so hard to gain seemed unbelievably cruel to me. 

Next we called her "team" and had a Zoom meeting with her pediatrician, pulmonologist, neurologist, palliative care team and "Dr Jen" because new decisions about care and specifically, end of life care, needed to made. 

During this meeting we decided that Tess would not be given CPR or be intubated should she get sick enough to require either of those things. Tess would not be given any different or new seizure meds because the risks now outweighed the benefits and there most likely isn't a med made that will control them regardless since she already has tried so many and they aren't controlled now with taking over 30 pills a day for them.  We also decided that Tess would not be taken to the hospital if she got Covid because they felt like her chance of surviving it, even with the vaccines, would be very small and having her die in an ICU room with possibly only one parent present was a hard no for us but that she would go into the hospital if necessary for her "normal" illnesses. Those decisions were made as a team but, as her parents, Charlie and I were devastated to be making them since, in the end, despite recommendations they made, the final decisions were ours alone to make. 

About a week or so after that meeting, her pediatrician called me and said he needed to see Tessie in person (simply because he hadn't in a while) and offered to come out to the island rather than make us bring her to him on the mainland (that was unusual in the extreme but would make more sense later). 

He came out near the end of October this year and stayed for about three hours. We discussed everything that we had previously talked about at our big Zoom meeting with everyone as well as about what the neurologist had said about what Tess's future looks like cognitively.

I then asked him, "At what point do we not take her to the hospital for even a pneumonia or, say she has a seizure that we cannot stop? Given what we now know and that her future is going to be more and more of her losing her skills, losing her memory and losing even knowing who we are, when do we decide to say that we've put her through enough if we're saving her only so that she can continue to decline? 

In other words, at what point are we keeping her alive for us rather than her?

After a very hard talk (which he knew we needed to have and would be much better had in the safety and comfort of our own home than in his office which is a big part of the reason he came out I suspect) and many tears, we, as a family, have come to the decision that Tess will not go to the hospital again. She has earned the right to stay home and not be poked and prodded anymore in the name of making her better. Because there is no "better" anymore. There is only varying degrees of losses upon losses coming her way. We will fight with meds and breathing treatments here in our home if and when needed, because god knows our home has almost all of what the hospital can offer her anyway at this point, and then we will leave it up to Tess and God to decide when it's her time. And when I told Tess that she would never have to go into the hospital again, she seemed to understand me and was...relieved. (as I said, she is aware mostly but not as much as she used to be and not all the time, so I picked a day to talk to her a little about it when I knew she was having a good day)

I have said that I would never give up on Tessie and that I would always ALWAYS advocate for her, but now me advocating looks a whole lot different. It's saying NO when I used to say yes. And to be very honest, it felt like I was almost betraying her until all of her team told me the thing I needed to hear, they told me that we were showing just how much we love and respect Tessie by recognizing that her needs have shifted and we had to shift with them. And we did.

We don't know how much time we have with Tessie. Her seizures are getting scary (heart rate going way up and then waaayyyy down quickly as well as a lot of breath holding now) and, of course, there is the fear of covid among other illnesses that she could get. What I do know is that one should never underestimate Tess's Warrior Spirit and so I'm leaning hard into my Faith in God and my faith in Toodle Bug. 

In the meantime, despite my fears, my NO to the medical interventions I used to say yes to is the strongest show of love I can give her now.

And Tessie deserves decisions that come from a place of love, not fear. 

Thank You Notes and stuff...

 I'm just going to start by letting you all know that I am a terrible person when it comes to Thank You notes.  I hate to write them because, even though I enjoy writing in general, there's just something about a Thank You note to specific people that ratchets up my anxiety and gets me all awkward and my mind goes blank and it's like I've instantly forgotten how to put words together. 

Long story short, I avoid feeling like this by simply not writing them. 

In my defense I am also a person who does not expect a Thank You note when I give a gift and never think twice about it if I don't receive one. I realize I may be in the minority here and that in polite society, Thank You notes are the norm and should be done. 

I'm still not writing them. 

That said, this post is going to serve as a Toodles update as well as a sort of Thank You note in blog form.  A twofer so to speak.  Here we go...

My last blog post was about Tessie graduating and all the feels that went with that momentous occasion and I'm here to tell you, it was an awesome day. I had no sadness, no what should have beens, just happiness and pride. A large part of why I was in a good place emotionally/mentally was thanks to my therapist but also to my Yaya and her husband, and to Sheila (our beloved SheShe) and her partner Jim, who made a special trip out to the island to attend graduation with us. Having them here was like having my own personal security blankets in human form. They just make my life better. Full stop. 

I have to begin by saying that Tess was so good during the graduation ceremony, which was a concern based on her behavior the day before during the practice for it.  At practice Tess got bored and basically didn't want to be there when she could be home watching her movie and she let me, and everyone else within earshot know. She got vocal. And loud with those vocals.  Ellie was there with us since she was going to push Tess in and out of the auditorium and up on stage when it was time to get her diploma and even she was like, "Tessie, you need to quiet down."  But Ellie wasn't being super serious with Tessie and Tess, who can read Ellie like a book, could tell that Ellie thought it was a little bit funny, especially since I was becoming stressed over it, and so proceeded to get even louder. 

When we left practice I ended up lecturing both Ellie and Tessie about it not being funny and that they both had to take it seriously and that Ellie needed to have a real talk with Tess about respect for her classmates, etc etc. So Ellie had a talk with Tessie (because if Superlove is saying it then Tessie will listen and generally obey) and really reinforced that it was EVERYONE'S special day and that they had ALL worked hard to get there and it was not her turn to "talk". Then we pulled out the big guns and told her that her cousin had worked very hard to become the Valedictorian and that it would be super disrespectful to Drey if Tess was loud and "talking" during Drey's speech. That sealed the deal. Tess adores Drey and wouldn't want to do anything that might make Drey mad or sad. We told Tess she could even fall asleep if she wanted to during the parts she didn't want to listen to but she COULD NOT BE LOUD. 

She took us at our word and did nap during most of the ceremony but what made me so proud of her that day (among a million other things) was that she woke up when she heard Drey begin her speech and stayed awake for it. She slept again for a bit but woke up for the slide show and was awake (thankfully because I wasn't sure if she would be) to get her diploma. We all commented on how well she behaved and made sure she knew how proud we were of her.  And at our school, the Seniors give their stole to a person who has cared for them, loved them, pushed them, and just generally helped to get them to graduation. After much deliberation back and forth (using her talker) trying to decide between Ellie, me, and Sheila, with both Ellie and I assuring Tess that our feelings wouldn't be hurt if she wanted Sheila to have, she ultimately did choose Shiela. Although at one point Bobby was also in the running which cracks me up.  At any rate, it was a very special moment when Tess, with Ellie's help, wrapped the stole over Sheila's shoulders. 

Sheila getting her stole 

The Graduate!

Cousins!

We all came to my house for a little, mostly family, gathering to celebrate Drey and Tessie and then got ready for the Grand March. Both girls looked stunning and it's one of my favorite island traditions. Blake stepped in to help push Tess and Tess and Drey got to be side by side with their dads for part of the march. Perfect. (Thank you to Autumn for giving Tess your second place in the lineup in order to make that happen) Then Tess and Charlie did the Father/daughter dance and next was the sweetheart dance. For this dance Tess and Drey chose to do it together with their sisters/cousins. So. Sweet.

Grand March walking to meet Tessie

Proud Parents! 

Grand March (Blake pushing Tessie)

Father/daughter dance

Sweetheart dance

All in all, it was a great day though I would be lying if I said I wasn't happy to have it behind me.

I did have Senior pics made up of Tessie as well as graduation announcements thaaaaaattt I never mailed out to anyone. I gave a few to family members and addressed the rest to go out and just...never sent them. I'm not sure why but I have no doubt it will make for great fodder for my therapist. ;) lol

Even without me sending announcements, Tess received quite a few cards and a fair amount of money from friends and family. Though it's likely not the polite way to say thank you, in blog form,  it is in no way less sincere. Each card/gift for her was so so appreciated and I really do THANK YOU if you're reading this and were one of the people who sent one to her. You all know who you are but I am going to name two in particular:

First, Ali, who not only worked on/altered Tess's grand march dress for free (with limited time no less) so it would fit her properly, but then gave Tess money as well. Ali, the dress was more than enough and you were the reason she had one to wear so THANK YOU.

Second, Liz, who mailed a very sweet note with personalized bracelets-one for Tess with the saying that I always use for her, "though she be but little, she is fierce" engraved on the inside and one for me that had something a little....different...engraved on the inside of it. In her note to me Liz was a little worried that what was engraved on mine might be a little too crass for my taste. Well, Liz, fear not. You nailed it.  I love it and have been wearing it constantly. THANK YOU.

So this is my update and thank you's all in one. And I'm going to leave you with a quote that I love and that may, or may not,  happen to be on that bracelet I was given:

"A wise woman once said 'Fuck this shit' and she lived happily ever after."

Amen. ;)

Grand March photo credits to Ashley Weller at Island Boy Mom Photography :) 

Tess is graduating....

This post is going to be a little bit tricky for me. I aim to be honest but sometimes I do worry, like many do, what people will think when I am honest. I encourage anyone who may find themselves thinking something along the lines of, "She should be grateful!",  to allow me grace and to know without a shadow of a doubt, that no one is more grateful than I am that Tess had made it to this milestone. That milestone?

Graduation. From High School. 

WHAT?!?! How is it possible that she is already a Senior and gearing up to graduate??? 

We are so so proud of her and happy for her and excited for her.  Trust me when I tell you that no one has worked harder to reach this moment in their lives than our Tessie Toodles. She has literally fought off death on multiple occasions and won. She has moved from her home for her education and, even though homesick and I'm sure nervous at first, she rolled through the doors of that new school and quickly showed them what she is made of and what she could do. She has had to prove herself time and time and time again to people who underestimated her; from teachers to therapists to doctors to, yes, even her own parents early on (that said, she has also had teachers and therapists who knew she was capable and smart and would expect that from her). Tess has constantly showed up to a life that has been trying to knock her back down only to Rocky up and prove to life that she is the Champ and will do it on her terms thankyouverymuch. 

So why is this a tricky post to write, you may be wondering?

Well, even though all of the above is true and we are excited and proud and happy for her to be graduating, we are also dealing with feelings of sadness and even loss. 

I have been seeing a therapist since we came very close to losing Tessie in the Spring of 2019 and she assures me that these feelings are totally normal because we are dealing with something call Ambiguous Loss which is when you have the feelings of grief and loss even though the person is still very much alive. Here is a link for anyone interested that gets into much more detail about Ambiguous Loss: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ambiguous_loss

We're mourning the things WE'RE missing out on. The relationship she would have had with her cousin who is also graduating this year, the fact that she will never leave home to go make a life of her own, even just the normal the pomp and circumstance that goes along with graduating. Every little detail has to be taken into consideration and thought about and prepared for. Will she have a seizure during something like graduation or the grand march? Should she be on stage the whole time or taken up to get her diploma? Who will push her wheelchair to march her in? And the grand march? A whole other planning session. And yes, it makes me sad. And yes, I'm managing that sadness and feelings of loss with tips and tricks from my therapist. And the one thing that she told me that has helped the most?  To remember that two things can be true at the same time. I can be so sad and angry that this is not how it's supposed to be while also being so excited and grateful that Tess has reached this milestone. One does not negate the other. Allow room for both. It doesn't mean I love Tess less or am less proud of her to feel sad that her graduation will look and feel different than her sisters did.

And when I see the other moms on social media talking with excitement and a bit of sadness at their baby leaving the nest... that's a very lonely feeling. My baby will never leave. She has no future plans other than to be happy and hopefully healthy for as long as possible.  I can't join in and relate to them on any level like I did when Blake and Ellie graduated. When her classmates parents were filling out scholarship forms and college applications with their kids, I was contacting a lawyer to make sure we had legal guardianship and conservatorship over Tess so we can keep her protected. It's just such a bazaar place to be in because it's not supposed to be this way. 

It's a tough road to be on but it's not a bad road. And when Blake was doing school with Tessie yesterday, they were waiting to start speech therapy and Blake was using the talker to talk to Tess about graduation and how exciting it is and what will happen that day and then she asked Tess: 

"How do you feel about graduating?".  

Tess replied, "I feel proud of me."

I feel proud of me. Those five words were exactly the perspective I needed to have. Hers. She's not missing out. She's not sad. She's proud of herself. 

How much more could we ask for? 

No "Right" Decision...

I debated about whether or not to share what's been going on the past couple of weeks on this blog but I feel like, especially for those in my VH Community that have supported us with our decision to bring Tess to Scarborough to attend the Morrison Center for school, this is the place to put it on the table.

Long story short...

We're bringing Tess home. At least for this year.

The backstory begins and ends with Covid-19. Stupid, dumb, scary, life altering, life threatening covid-19.

The Morrison Center opened their school up this week to students again. They operate all year long due to the high needs of their students and they're a very small school so can more easily put into practice CDC guidelines for maintaining health and safety for their students. And it was my intention to send Tess this week when they opened back up.

Then Tess and I had a tele-health visit with her pulmonologist who works at Maine Med and just so happens to also be working with covid patients. When I mentioned to him that Tess's school was reopening, his facial reaction betrayed him before he could even say anything. I could tell he was very surprised to hear this (not a good surprise) and when I went on to ask if he thought it was okay for Tess to return to school if all the CDC guidelines were in place, his immediate response was a very emphatic, NO.

NO, it was not a good idea to have Tess return to school. NO, there was no way to make it safe enough for her and NO, he will most likely not be supporting her returning to school any time in the near future...including in the Fall.

He went on to show me statistics and charts of how covid is trending in the country, in the state, and even in each county and what he expected to come given what information he had.

Honestly, I had become a little numb to the covid fear and had even convinced myself that Tess should return to school so she could have some normalcy in her life again. This "safer at home" lifestyle is not really new to us, but the level it has reached is, and Tess has had some negative effects from it. Increased anxiety and increased severity of seizure activity to name a couple. Not to mention she's not getting in person therapies; it's all done by us now with online guidance from her therapists. For those reasons, I had convinced myself that maybe it would be okay to send her and that the benefits might outweigh the risks given heightened safety measures the school was taking.

Speaking with the doctor was basically the same as having cold water splashed on my face. It woke me up. I was no longer numb to the fear. It became crystal clear that Tess's risk for getting covid was so high that there was no way that the benefits of going back to school outweighed the risks.

I thought about continuing distance learning and realized that I could also do that from home and not just here in Scarborough, so I asked the doctor if he thought I should just keep on keeping on here until it was safe for her to finally get back to school in person and where she is close to the hospital and all of her medical care, or, if I should take her home to Vinalhaven where the likelihood of her catching the virus would drop dramatically but she was farther from the major medical help she sometimes requires.  Honestly, I was expecting him to say stay in Scarborough.

He didn't.

He said he thought we should take her home to Vinalhaven and get her out of Cumberland County where her risk for covid is comparatively so much higher. I then asked him about Tess catching the virus on the island vs. catching it in Scarborough where I could immediately get her to Maine Med. He said that this virus would most likely be so devastating to Tess that he felt very sure it wouldn't make any difference where she caught it, the outcome would be the same no matter what... and that outcome would be terrible. He felt like Tess's best chance to survive the virus would be to take her where we can keep her more isolated and safe. "Take her home" were is exact words.

He wasn't filled with alarm or fear or being dramatic in the slightest. In fact, he was very calm and even laughed and told me that if he could take his two healthy boys and go to VH, he'd be gone. He was only sort of joking. And that's what got me the most. His calmness and basically just, stating the facts ma'm, attitude.

Like I said, cold water on my face but the wakeup call I needed.

I talked to her home health nurses and another one of her specialists who all agreed that taking her out of Cumberland County and home to Vinalhaven was the best thing we could do for her given the information we have.

I've cried and prayed and gone back and forth and agonized about what the "right" decision is for Tess. She loses so much by not returning to school in person, and technically speaking, this is her Senior year and I wanted it to look a lot different for her. But, alas, I am not Queen of the Universe and cannot control a worldwide pandemic, so I will do the thing I always do when it comes to Tess, try to make the best choice for her and pray I don't make the wrong one.

Home Sweet Home it is then.

I've spoken with the Vinalhaven school and told them our plans. Tess will still be a student at Morrison but will continue with distance learning until we, and her doctors, feel like it's appropriate to return. And right now, there's no way to know when that will be.

Given that, even though we didn't have to, we've opted to terminate our lease early and give up our rental in Scarborough.  Sometimes, just because you can do something, in this case having the VH school continue to pay rent until we can come back with Tess, doesn't mean you should do it. You've got to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know that what you're doing is something your conscience can live with. In this instance, ours couldn't live with continuing to have the school pay rent while we're on the island with no idea of when it will be safe to return to Scarborough.

My heart hurts for Tess and everything this move forces her to lose, but today, during her zoom speech therapy,  her therapist asked her if she was excited to be going back home to Vinalhaven and she immediately used her talker to say, "Yeah" multiple times which makes my heart hurt a little less.


And given how unbelievably homesick I've been the past few years,  if you asked me if I was excited to be going home to Vinalhaven I would say, "Yeah!" multiple times as well.

I don't know what Tess's future holds but we'll do what we always do and take it day by day and continue to hope that the decisions we are making for her are the "right" ones...even when it feels like there's no "right" one to be made.

In the meantime, look out VH, we're comin' home!

The Queen and the Little Prince

Well hello there! It's been a hot minute since I last wrote anything here but what better time than during a worldwide pandemic?!

There's a lot to get to, not the least of which is that two years ago this April, the hubs fell off our daughter's roof of the house he was building for her and broke three vertebrae in his neck and then the following April (last year), Tess was in the hospital fighting for her life with a superbug pneumonia and came so close to dying that the doctors came in on a Sunday to talk to us about what the coming week would look like and try to prepare us to say goodbye to her by the end of it.

Spoiler Alert for those of you who may still be readers but aren't family/friends of ours, she defied all odds and lived!!!

But since it's been so long since I've written anything, and let's face it, the world is a bit of a scary place right now,  let's leave the scary parts for another time and start with the good, shall we?

Good thing number one: Our eldest daughter, Blake, got married last March (2019) in Punta Cana and the hubs and I even managed to finagle our ever faithful She-She (nurse Sheila) into staying with Tess here at home so that we could go!

Huzzah!

It was a super fun trip and a good time was had by all. We spent about five days in gorgeous weather at a resort on the beach, and even went on a party catamaran to go snorkeling and meet up with other party people at a sandbar with a dj to dance and drink in the tropical waters.

Wedding party catamaran cruise.

Party Sandbar

Walking her down the aisle.

Found a way to have Tess be in the sisters photo!

So. much. fun.

Good news number two was when said daughter's hubby called me one evening in August to proudly inform me that I was going to become a grandmother in about nine months!

WHAAAAAAAAA??? I'm too young! I don't knit....or sew...or crochet...and I swear like a pirate. Not exactly grandmother material.

But I digress.

I was super excited and the time flew by and here's where it really gets good. We told Tessie she was going to be an Aunt! She was most appropriately impressed with this new status in life and confidently told us that Blake was having a girl whenever we asked her.

Turns out Tess is not the best prognosticator and at Blake's twenty week ultrasound, we broke the news to Tess that she was not having a niece, but rather a nephew! Wouldn't that be fun?!

Cut to Tess telling anyone and everyone (using her eye gaze communication device):

"I don't like that."

Well gee, kid, don't sugarcoat it.

Tess has spent the past four months repeatedly finding the button on her talker that says something along the lines of, "My sister Blake got married! I wore a pretty robe. I have some exciting news! I'm going to be an Auntie! Blake is going to have a baby boy.", then immediately going from that to the button that says, "I don't like it!".

When pressed about what she didn't like, it was confirmed that my little Queen did not want Blake to have a boy and steadfastly remained insistently sour about it for the rest of Blake's pregnancy. We figured that surely once the baby was born and she saw him, she would fall in line like the rest of us and just not be able to resist him and all his baby boy cuteness.

Dare to dream you daydream believer.

Gavin Charles made his grand entrance into the world late last week and it's safe to say that Tess had not changed her mind about not liking a boy.

Thankfully, Blake and Bobby were having the baby near where I am so decided to social distance with us here after discussing all of the island factors with her midwives so we have been so lucky to actually get to spend a little time with Gavin after he was born as well since they didn't want them going straight back to the island after he was born.

Naturally we're all madly in love and he is the most perfect, alert, strong, and smart baby in the history of the world and all the things that family's feel about their own babies that everyone else rolls their eyes at.

*Just to be clear, we're right though; He's perfection* ;)

I mean, come on. I just can't even. He's too perfect.. 

So alert. Such wisdom in those eyes. (I don't care who rolls their eyes and groans at my Mimi bragging ;) )

Then we made our way with him to Tess. She very grudgingly looked at him.

Yes, yes, there he is. I see him. Now take him and go!

Hoping I'll take him away.

We asked her if she wanted to hold him. She rolled her eyes.

We insistently put him in her arms (sort of) and to say she was unimpressed would be a gross understatement.

No. Just...no. 

No cute and heart meltingly perfect "Tess meeting her nephew" photos for this kid. Nope. No way. Not a chance. Get this kid away from me were the moments we managed to capture.

And when she saw Ellie, her Superlove holding him??!! The shade that kid threw could cool the nation.

What a proud Auntie should look like.

We hoped a good night's sleep might improve her...we'll just call it...attitude...about her nephew.

We are wonderfully dumb at times, aren't we?

By late the next afternoon there was a small thaw starting to happen. Her Superlove snuggled on the couch with her and then we tentatively had them both hold Gavin together and Tess even managed to smile.

Okay, well this isn't so bad maybe. 

Bump bada baaa!

And by the time Blake took him to her, a teensy bit of interest could be detected.

Honestly, Oreo has been way more interested in Baby G than Tess has.

Baby steps, people.

And this morning Blake took him in to see Tess, aka Aunt T, while she was still in her happy place, otherwise known as her bed, and Tess let him lie next to her and even looked at him and smiled!

Aunt T and Baby G. 

Well yee haw, cowboy!

When my dad and Ann called and I told them about Tess's attitude towards her perfect little nephew, my dad summed it up best when he said, "She knows she's not the queen anymore and doesn't like it."

Well, let's be real here, she still is the Queen but there's a new and very popular little Prince in town and she's not loving sharing the spotlight...especially with a BOY! Sheesh!

Long live the Queen...

Found a way to sneak in this pic of her epic Game of Thrones Mother of Dragons Halloween costume. 

I'm not givin' up....

I can't write about the past two weeks with Tess. I just can't. It was unimaginable hell at the time and I'm still sort of reeling from it all.

The best I can do to try to explain what the past two weeks have been like is this video. I don't normally share such personal pictures of Tess in distress but this is real life and it isn't always smiles and fun and what I would like everyone to believe on Facebook.

This is life with a medically fragile child who came within inches of losing her life last week to a pneumonia.

It's also her fight song. Her fight to get back to us. And thank God she's a Warrior.

Thank God.

When Tin meets Yin...

In August my back spasmed worse than it had in years. I mean, I was quite literally down and out. And with only a mere four days until I was going to be able to scratch an item off of my bucket list by seeing Billy Joel at Fenway Park, I was in a real pickle.

Out of desperation I did a google search of DOs (Doctor of Osteopathy) in my area, found one who's website I didn't hate, and made my desperate plea to PLEASE GET ME IN SOON BECAUSE I HURT!!! The good doctor had just had a cancellation and told me to come in the next day for treatment.

Long story short, she helped me out and even got me out of pain enough to go see Billy Joel. Yay! I have been going to see her almost weekly ever since. It helps calm my fibromyalgia pain to a more manageable dull roar because my body responds really well to OMT treatments and honestly, I just get a kick out of the doctor. She does some energy healing work along with the traditional OMT stuff and, since I am more of a, well let's just say... traditional... girl,  the new age energy work stuff makes me chuckle.

But I have to say that I've even brought Tess to her and have even had her go back about once a month (and just to let you know what kind of person she is, she doesn't take Tess's insurance and knows we can't afford her fee without insurance so helps Tess free of charge). Tess likes the OMT treatments but you can see her really relax with the energy work. I don't know what to tell you. I was skeptical of the energy healing stuff but between Tess and myself, I have to admit that there's something to be said for it. The OMT stuff is where it's at though. If you've never been to a DO for an OMT treatment, GO! You'll thank me.

Anyway, I digress.

The good doctor talked me into going to my very first yin yoga class because she said my body and mind was in dire need of help (ya think??) in combatting the physical pain and mental/emotional stress in my life. After much back and forth, I finally agreed after basically begging Ellie to come with me, much like Linus's support blanket. I didn't want to go in alone and look like an idiot without someone who I could look over at and laugh with.

The reason that I knew I would look ridiculous trying to do any type of yoga is because I don't bend.

At all. Think of the Tin Man BEFORE Dorothy has oiled him up. I'm just a little less flexible than that.

My fibromyalgia pain severely limits my movements and flexibility which is in direct contrast to any yoga that I had ever seen. Nevertheless, my doc said this yoga was for people like me so I sucked up my pride, grabbed Ellie (and borrowed one of her yoga mats), and hit the yoga studio one Tuesday morning.

And just to clarify for those not as yoga savvy as myself (snort), my yoga instructor describes her yin yoga class as, "A quiet chance to REST. We will be guided safely through a series of specific postures to increase joint mobility and flexibility, reduce chronic pain and create a sense of peace and well being. There are fewer poses per class. Each pose is held for approximately 3-5 minutes allowing you to gently stretch your deep connective tissue and settle into relaxation. This is a class for healing of many physical conditions and illnesses and deep therapeutic shift in your body and your life. It is the perfect complement to the ”yang” or more active practices like Ashtanga yoga, vinyasa yoga and our active lives."-Penny Kusum, so you can see it's nothing too strenuous.

Unless you're the tin man. Which I repeat, I am.

Honest to God, I was so nervous about the yoga that I had to keep using the bathroom prior to class. I joked with Ellie that she needed to set her intention before starting and then when she threw it back at me I replied with, "My intention is to not crap my pants. Anything else will just be gravy at this point."

And so we began by sitting crosslegged at which point I immediately needed help with a bolster so I could sit up straight yet wouldn't tip over  No. Joke.

We then moved into some "deer" or something like that poses and I needed blocks. Then more blocks. And a blanket.

As I tried to look around without getting caught looking, because you're supposed to keep your eyes on your own mat, I saw everyone, and I'm talking some women much older than me, easily doing these gentle poses. And of course Ellie was like a freakin' pretzel and I could hear her giggling softly as I clumsily and noisily reached for more and more aids to help me in my quest to JUST SIT ON THE FLOOR. As I looked back to my own mat all I could see was what basically amounted to a fortress made of my bolsters, blocks and blankets. You want to talk about feeling stupid and out of place?? Baby, I can tell you some stories!

Then, god love the instructor, I hear her say, "Just because you can easily do yoga poses does not make you a better person."

Well, Here! Here!

But then I hear her say, "Try to soften every part of your body as you relax into the pose." She then lists off all the places to soften "including your face" and it's at this point I realize that I have now put all the effort of trying to hold my pose into my face. I swear to god she must be noticing this and is talking to me. (not too self-conscious, am I?) So I panic and start mentally yelling at myself to relax my face. Relax my face! And the more I try to relax it the more tight it starts to feel. As my face starts to soften (I did it!), I feel my arm start to shake because I have now transferred all of my face stress to my arm. And on and on it goes until the hour is mercifully up and we can leave, yoga mat and pride in hand.

I am proud to say that I kept going back even when Ellie couldn't and even though I feel like a total idiot every time because it really does help. And the instructor is excellent. She's just very calming and non-judgemental, though I kept her real busy trying to help me get into poses in such a way where I wasn't in more pain those first few classes.

These days I know when she tells us what pose we'll be doing next what I'll need to help me achieve it so even though I'm still using all those bolsters and blocks (I've even added more to my fortress since that first class if you can imagine it), I can do it without her making a special effort to come help me.

Of course, brag is a good dog and so with that being said, she told us just last week about getting on our bellies to prepare for the serpent's pose. SERPENT'S POSE?! Are you kidding me?! I haven't been able to lie on my stomach since I was pregnant with Tess and you want me to not only lie on it but then arch up from the floor??

I wanted to tell her, "Hey, how about Snail's Pose" or "Fetal Position Pose"? I'm sure I could manage one of them.

But I just looked up at her and the panic in my eyes must have given me away because she looked right at me and said, "Stay as you are, I'll be over to help you."

I'm not even embarrassed anymore. I was just thankful to know I wasn't going to be trying to be a serpent.

So while everyone struck up off the floor from their bellies, I was on my back with not one, not two, but three bolsters and four blocks supporting my, maaaayybeeee 10 degree curve. Yup. Still not embarrassed.

Just call me the tin man.

Reality Bites...

A week ago yesterday Tess got sick. Very sick.

Like one minute she was good and then...bam!

And naturally this would happen on a day that I was orienting with a new home nurse for her. The poor girl walked through our door at 7am expecting to get Tess up and ready to take to school for the day and instead got a crash course on how to help Tess manage her cough, fever, heart rate and respirations. It wasn't pretty.

We spent the whole day moving Tessie to try to get her to cough because I knew her left lung was filling up. We did many breathing treatments, cough assist airway clearance treatments, and a whole lot of suctioning.

But Tess continued to get worse.  By the time Sheila came to help get Tess to bed for the night I had already called her pediatrician and pulmonologist for advice. Her pediatrician called in an antibiotic for her while warning me that it was most likely too late for it to work, and Sheila worked really hard to help Tess move that god awful junk in her lung. She and I did discuss taking Tess to the ER that evening but, and this makes me really angry, we knew that Tess just wasn't "sick enough" yet and we'd be sent right back home. What they don't understand is that by basically making Tess prove that she is sick enough to be admitted, she will have had just enough time for it to turn into pneumonia.

I was up a lot Monday night to try to help Tess breathe easier. I had hooked her up to oxygen and, by early Tuesday morning, was horrified to see her heart rate in the 150s, oxygen in the low 90s despite being on almost 4 liters of supplemental o2, and her respirations were between 70 and 80 breaths per minute. By 7am, when her nurse for the day got to the house, I had already given Tess her breathing treatments and knew we had to get her to the ER pronto. I quickly showered, packed up Tess's med bags, and called 911 while her nurse kept working on her. (If we had been on the island I honestly believe that they would have life flighted Tess off the island. She was in that much trouble).

Scarborough ambulance arrived within just a few minutes, packed Tess up, and loaded her into the ambulance and confirmed that I wanted to be taken to Maine Medical Center in Portland. I rode in the back with Tess.

The ER nurses, docs and respiratory therapists got busy and had drawn blood and done a chest xray before an hour was up. Her blood work showed an elevated white count and that it was bacterial while her xray showed a total white out of the left lung. She was immediately put on three strong antibiotics that covered everything from community acquired to aspiration pneumonia. During this time poor Tessie just felt miserable. She was also requiring deep suction using a nasal catheter and her oxygen dropped alarmingly at times. I was later told they suspected that her lung had at least partially collapsed.

By this point Charlie had gotten from the island to the hospital and helped soothe Tess while I excused myself to step out of her room for a minute for fear of bursting into tears in front of Tessie. I just couldn't handle seeing her struggle like that. It broke my heart.

After a consult with the pediatricians on call upstairs in the Barbara Bush Children's Hospital wing, it was determined that Tess should go to the PICU rather than the regular floor since she needed a lot more help and attention and basically a nurse ready to help at all times. They did tell me that they felt like, while yes, she was very sick, that she was being placed in PICU for the extra nursing help more than that they felt like was was in need of Intensive Care. Sort of like a mid-level of care. More than the regular floor could provide but not as intensive as the PICU made it sound.

During all of this, while still in the ER, they did an ultrasound of Tess's chest to be sure that she didn't have a pulmonary effusion on top of the pneumonia.  They were very concerned at the fact there was literally no air movement in her left lung. Thankfully, no effusion was found.

Tess did okay her first few days in PICU. Tons of breathing treatments, meds and just top notch care but she was still sicker than I've seen her. In fact, I made a point to tell all of her doctors that very thing. They all kept saying that her xray looked very similar to her xrays from her past two admissions for pneumonia and I kept telling them that, no, this time was very different because the past couple of times Tess was admitted, she was not requiring oxygen, wasn't feverish much, and was just better all the way around symptomatically. This time I needed a freakin' ambulance just to get her safely to the hospital from house which was only a ten minute drive away. I needed them to hear me.

This time was different.

One of the pulmonologists came in to talk about possibly doing a bronchoscopy and bronchial wash to help move all of the mucus plugs out of her lung but was concerned that, since she would need to be intubated for this procedure, and she was so sick, that he may not be able to take her off of the breathing equipment when it was over and thus would weaken her overall condition and we would have to make the decision on possible end of life care. He recommended helping Tess fight this on her own first and if and when the time came that she needed to be placed on a breathing tube due to her not being able to keep fighting on her own, that we would revisit the bronchial wash at that time since we would have nothing to lose at that point.

On day three Tess spiked a fever and just generally looked like crap for a kid who had been on steroids and three antibiotics for three days. It was also the highest her fever had been throughout this whole illness. Not good.

More xrays were ordered asap as well as another chest ultrasound (neither showed any new problems thankfully) which didn't really help us answer why the sudden fever but also let us know that she wasn't physically getting worse. We discussed the possibility of switching to even stronger antibiotics but in the end decided to stay the course to see what Tess would do.

By Friday night she was well enough to be moved to the regular peds floor and by late Saturday was able to be weaned off the oxygen.

She was discharged late yesterday but here's the thing, she is still very sick. As in, I have never seen her discharged from the hospital this sick. Like, I would normally be taking her IN to be seen like this, not home after being treated and discharged.

As scary as it is to think about, this may be her/our new reality. Tess was diagnosed with neuromuscular respiratory failure several years ago and, as her pulmonologist said to me before she was discharged yesterday, Tess is at the age where the disease starts to take hold which could explain why this particular pneumonia hit her so hard and she isn't recovering the same way she has in the past.  Last night was long and she needed some help managing her mucus and oxygen. She is acting scared at times because she can't catch her breath when coughing. Her oxygen and heart rate are still all over the place and she may need more oxygen at home now as part of her norm.

Frankly, it sucks. I'm hoping against hope that she just needs more time to heal up and will bounce back and be back to HER NORMAL baseline soon and that this is a temporary hurdle.

My gut has been saying otherwise. I don't think she's even close to being out of the woods with this pneumonia but god, I'm praying that I'm wrong. There are times she is looking so good and I'm like, Yes! She's kicking it! And then she's back down to low 02 stats and choking on her cough.

And if this does end up being the "new normal", all I can say about that is....

Reality bites.

But I'll leave you with this pic that her nurse took of her today when she looked so good because, dang, this kid is a freakin' Warrior!