Monday, September 27, 2010

Isn't it ironic...

We are heading to Childrens Hospital Boston today and it's got me thinking about the first time my hubby and I went there.

It wasn't even with The Toots.

The first time we were at Childrens was when we made a wrong turn on our way to Brigham and Womens Hospital for a second opinion on my thyroid cancer treatment.

I had, by this point, had two surgeries to remove my throid and around 30 or so lymph nodes. I was so tired and in so much pain from constant muscle spasms in my back and having been undiagnosed for so long with cancer that I couldn't be left alone with The Toots because I could not take care of her.

This was also before anyone was willing to admit that the Toodle Bug was not acting like a 'normal' baby. Especially me. I felt so absolutely miserable that the thought of having to handle one more thing, much less something as huge as what it might mean for Tessie (and if I am being honest, me), was just too overwhelming. Little nigglets of doubt would creep in about why Tessie wasn't doing this or that, but I would sweep them away as fast as they popped up.

Denial. Self protection. Whatever you want to call it I refused to focus on those nasty little doubts that wanted so desperately to be heard.

And the rest of my family and friends were the same way. I think because they were also so scared for me and my health that they thought either I couldn't cope with one more thing or that they couldn't. Probably both.

Nobody would admit what was staring us right in the face. We all even went so far with out denial that we came up with the most ludicrous reasons as to why Tessie wasn't hitting her milestones. And they all involved the fact that I could not do the same things with her that I had done with my other girls because I was sick.

How's that for a kick in the pants?

The reasons ranged from, "She isn't getting enough floor time to build up her strength in her neck and body because Joanna can't lift up and down to the floor." to "She's the third baby and you just don't try as hard to make them do the things that you did before". And my personal favorite, "You can't compare what she does with what Blake and Ellie did. All babies are different."

It really speaks to how sick I was that I let myself be deceived by all that BS. Normally I am a very practical girl and would much rather face things head on than be in denial about them.

Ah well, such is life I guess. And now, Childrens Hospital is a place that I feel the most at peace because nobody looks at us with pity or fear or shock. We are just another family. A normal family. At least for a minute.

But I think about that first drive into Childrens and how my hubby and I looked at each other and both fervently agreed, "Thank God it isn't one of our kids that is sick. Thank God we are just making a wrong turn here and not needing to bring in one of the girls."

Isn't it ironic....

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