...when you need to use the restroom at the hospital where your child is receiving an IV infusion and you knock gently on the unit's bathroom door and even more gently whisper, "Hello?", and when you get no response you are convinced you hear voices so you proceed back to your child's infusion room to wait a bit longer rather than lurk outside the bathroom door like some sort of weird creeper but you really need to pee so you decide that enough times has passed to try again even though only about sixty seconds have passed so you yet again go through the polite bathroom motions of knocking and question-y whispering as though you're getting sworn into some sort of secret society only this time when no one answers you realize it's either embarrass yourself by walking in on someone or embarrass yourself by wetting your pants so you bravely push open the door while trying to sound apologetic yet friendly at the same time as you start to say, "Anyone in here?", only to realize that not only is there no one there, it is a multi-stall bathroom and you could have gone in the first time around without knocking on the door.
...when you realize that the hotel you "karate chopped" your way into by "naming your own price" is, in fact, quite fancy, and you need to tip three different people just to get from your car to your room, and while waiting for the bellman to arrive to take the luggage (which in your case consists of one rolly suitcase and multiple tote bags filled with things like diapers and oxygen bottles along with dog food and an Adidas duffle bag-because we're super fancy like that) from the valet, you ask him where you might be able to take your dog to the bathroom and when he tells you there is a park right outside across the street you nod knowingly (because your are putting on your very best 'oh yes, I stay at nice hotels allllll the time and thus will act extra sophisticated and self assured), thank him, and then proceed to go in the wrong direction and end up outside on the opposite side of said fancy hotel and when, in desperation, you figure it's Boston so maybe they consider concrete areas to be a "park" you take your dog over to pee only to realize the next morning when the valet takes you to your car on the "right" side of the building that there was a park with grass all along and you had had your dog just let it go in a pretty nice sitting area where dogs are most definitely not welcome to go potty...at least according to the sign I later spied.
...when you finish up with the infusion appointment and triumphantly post a Facebook status about it only to check into your next appointment to find there is still another one right after it and you have no idea with whom or why. In fact, you're not even entirely sure who the appointment you knew you had is with or why but you keep repeating the word 'Physiatrist" almost like a mantra to your confused husband so you can feel superior that at least you know why your child has an appointment while silently throwing up prayers that you are right so you don't have to admit to him that you are, in fact, as clueless as he is.
...when you meet a friendly lady in the hallway on the way to your appointment room and she is super nice and very chatty and tells you her name (which you immediately forget) and you still don't know who she is but she informs you that an emergency has just popped up but she will be right back and will definitely not make you late for your other appointment (that you didn't know you had until then) so you go in and wait for this mystery appointment to take place.
...when the resident comes in and takes down all of your child's history and through vague questions, because God forbid you sound as stupid as you clearly are, you determine that this is the resident for the person you are about to see and you start to feel pretty smug about your detective skills but then the mystery hallway lady comes in and and the resident leaves without really talking to this lady but says she'll be back and you still aren't sure why your child is seeing this hallway lady so you once again ever so cleverly (at least in your own mind) tip toe through a minefield of vague questions to try to figure out what it is exactly that this person does in the hospital you ask if she can help you stay on the Complex Care Services team because in your infinite wisdom and deductive prowess you have determined that they are a nurse who is there to help coordinate care for the upcoming spinal surgery. Then you start gush about how awesome your child's CCS pediatrician is and you just love her and have such a great parent/doctor relationship with but then she interrupts you to say that actually she is your child's developmental pediatrician on the CCS team and the doctor you have been asking to stay in touch with and have been gushing about for the past five minutes moved out of State quite some time ago so you desperately try to back peddle into safer conversational waters and come up with a gem like: "So I guess what I'm trying to say is that we don't want to lose you!", even though you literally just met and could not repeat this person's name back to them if your life depended on it. Also, turns out that this appointment that you had no idea was even happening was a very important once as it is the over-arching, t's crossed and i's dotted PRE-OP appointment for your child's spinal fusion surgery.
...when the last doctor you see for the day actually is the physiatrist, because gosh darn it, you knew that your kid had an appointment with a physiatrist because you are a good mother like that (not so much), and part way through chatting with that doctor, in walks the resident who you thought was the resident for the developmental doctor who you originally that was a nurse and you realize that she was the physiatrist's resident all along so you keep up with the charade that you do in fact have your sh*t together even though it must be abundantly clear to anyone that has spoken with you that afternoon that you don't.
...when you realize that this post is basically a bunch of run-on sentences with very poor grammatical structure and you're just too tired from pretending that you have a clue to even care.
#awksauce #pasttensepresenttensenotense #Tessisstillalivenothankstoherparents #ihatehashtags