I am going to be turning the big 4-0 in about a week and for this momentous occasion, my dad is paying for me to go to NYC. A bunch of girlfriends will coming as well and I think it will be a blast! But....
I have to leave the Toodle Bug behind.
This is already making me start to get teary when I think about it. And to let you know the seriousness of my despair, I am NOT a crier! I have never left her for more than a couple of nights since she has been born. I am torturing myself with endless questions and what if's.
What if she gets sick before I go? Will I still go? I keep saying that I am going unless she is actually in the hospital but could I really leave her if she were sick? What if she gets sick while I am gone and she wants me to comfort her and snuggle? Should I call and talk to her on the phone or will that only make her miss me more? Will she understand why I am not there? And the biggest and worst question I keep asking myself, will she think I have simply abandoned her? I know that sounds quite dramatic but how am I to know. I will explain to her that I will be back in a few days but will she understand?
Leaving Blake and Ellie was never this hard because they could talk to me and let me know that they understood I would be back. That my going away was only temporary. They could tell me that they missed me. But Tessie can't so how am I to know what she is thinking and, for that matter, do I really want to know because if I did I probably would just stay home.
While I am very excited about going and yes, even getting away from all the daily stresses that my life now has, I will be glad when it is over and I am home. But I am used to having these conflicting emotions. I have learned that they are all part of life with a child with special needs. Joy and sadness, pain and pleasure, pride and yes, even embarrassment (again, not by Tess but by things that she can do at very inappropriate times), all experienced almost simultaneously at times, to the point that you don't think you can take any more.
But you do.
And so I am going to my favorite city in the world. The Big Apple. I will have a great time with great people and be very glad I went.
I will also pay dearly for daring to have the gall to leave The Toots. She will probably refuse to look at me when I first get home and then she will look at me and cry like her heart has been broken. And I will have to deal with the fact that I was the one who broke it. I will have to sit and snuggle for quite a while in order to be forgiven and I will feel like a total selfish jerk because I put her through it.
What she will not tell me is the awesome time that she had with Sheila and Leo while I was gone. How they spoiled her rotten and took her to see the Christmas lights and Santa Claus. How they let her watch her favorite movie over and over again. How she got to sleep with Sheila every night.
No, I will only get the guilt and like the world's biggest sucker I will fall for it.
However, I comfort myself with two undeniable facts:
Tessie knows how much I love her and, I get to go to NYC during the Christmas season which I have always wanted to do.
Anybody got a spray can of Guilt-Be-Gone?...